No Other Man
by LadyofDodge
Summary: ...and then I began the longest walk of my life--the fifteen steps to the corner of the jail house." Kitty confides in her journal again.


NO OTHER MAN

_It was well after midnight when Kitty Russell leaned her head back against the soft pillow and brushed at a stray tear rolling down her pale cheek. Then she sighed softly and propped herself against the headboard of the big brass bed, balanced the small writing desk on her lap, and opened her journal to a creamy blank page. She touched the tip of her pencil to the tip of her tongue and began to write: _

I very much need you tonight, my faithful friend. Will Stambridge is leaving tomorrow—later today, really—on the noon stage. I'm glad. And I'm also sad.

But it's not thoughts of Will that are keeping me awake tonight. It's Matt. I don't know what I'm going to say to him. Don't even know how I can face him again. Truly, I never meant to hurt him. I know I did, though. He hasn't said anything because—well because he's Matt. But I saw the pain in his eyes the day I went to his office to ask him to tell me to say "no" to Will. As if Matt would ever do that. He's never actually told me to do, or not do, anything. Once, long ago, he asked me to stop dealing cards at the Long Branch, but he didn't tell me I couldn't. And he's strongly suggested that I not do things—like go to Pick Axe—but he didn't forbid me to go. Maybe he should have!

But Matt would never tell me to say "no" to something he thought would bring me happiness. All he's ever wanted is for me to be safe and happy, and if marrying Will Stambridge could bring me that, then my cowboy would let me go. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

I was so happy and excited to finally be going on a vacation with Matt—a real vacation, not a business trip courtesy of the War Department, but something he had actually planned for just the two of us. And I was eager to be away from Dodge where we, especially Matt, could relax and completely enjoy each other. And I know he wanted that, too.

When the station master handed him that message, I just knew it wasn't going to happen. Nothing is ever certain--or simple--where Matt's concerned.

I'm not exactly sure what attracted me to Will in the first place. I was angry with Matt—as angry as I've ever been—for leaving me at that relay station and disappointing me one more time. But, if I'm honest, he didn't leave me. I could have come back to Dodge with him, or even gone to Hays with him, but I chose to get back on that stage. And Will was there. And Matt was not. After that, things happened fast and got out of hand even faster.

I might have gone on to St. Louis, had my little pout and returned to Dodge without incident if it hadn't been for that damned hold-up. But that's what happened, and Will protected me. Of course, I was grateful--vulnerable, too--and he was injured. And that's how it started.

Will was charming. He had no responsibilities and he had time to spend with me, to pay attention to me, to take me places—on picnics and for rides in the country. He offered me a home, security, a chance for a family. His loyalties weren't divided, and he was able to offer me himself. The very things I've always wanted. I was flattered. And tempted.

Except…I don't want a home and family with Will. I want a home with Matt. He's the only man I want to be the father of my children. He's the only man I want to touch me...the only man I want to hold me at night.

And that's what I told Will this afternoon. Oddly enough, he already knew. He said my eyes told him everything he needed to know long before my lips ever spoke the words…had been telling him for days, in fact. He said he'd give his gun hand to see my eyes sparkle and dance for him the way they do for Matt. Then he held me for a moment and told me he loved me, but he'd rather be a pleasant memory than a sad mistake.

Maybe I could have been happy with Will—that is if I had met him before I ever laid eyes on an honest and honorable giant of a man named Matt Dillon. As it is, there's no other man in Kansas, probably not in the entire country, who could ever hold my heart.

That's what I need to tell Matt. And I will. Soon. I just pray it's not too late.

xxxxxx

It's after midnight again. Matt is sound asleep in our big bed, but I just had to slip downstairs to write a few more lines.

This afternoon I kissed Will goodbye and stood on the boardwalk to watch the stage pull away.

As I turned my head to watch it drive out of town, I felt a familiar tug on my heart. And there he was—Matt—lounging against the brick wall, as big and handsome and dear to me as ever. I couldn't put it off any longer. I had to talk to him, had to say something. So…I took a deep breath and began what seemed like the longest walk of my life—the fifteen steps to the corner of the jail house.

I couldn't bring myself to meet that penetrating—and perhaps accusing—steel blue gaze, so I simply looked straight ahead and said, "You know something?"

He didn't answer, and I was afraid he might not even be speaking to me, so I just kind of swallowed and plunged on, "I know a lady who could sure use a drink."

When I heard that beloved deep voice respond, "Well, I know a man who's ready to buy," I dared to look up at him. Bless him, he just smiled down at me in that sweet, gentle way of his and took my arm and turned me toward the Long Branch. And then our arms reached out as if of their own accord, each seeking the familiar comfort of the other's waist.

Lots of people saw us right there on Front Street, but Matt didn't seem to notice—or care. I'm not sure, but I think Festus might even have leaped into the air and clicked his heels a bit.

We took a bottle of whiskey into the office and talked for a long time. I guess we were both a little hesitant about going upstairs just then…I know for sure I was, and I think Matt was, too. He looked as calm and composed as ever, but I have a feeling that inside he was just as nervous as I was.

Anyway, I told him everything…how it all got started and how I got caught up in the excitement and thrill of being with a man who was new and different and could give me his undivided attention. And, this was the hardest part, but I had to make sure Matt understood that I hadn't…well, that I hadn't _slept _with Will. Even after all these years, I was embarrassed saying those words to him. But I had to. I had to make sure he knew things never went that far.

Matt didn't say a word. He just listened and nodded and when I stopped talking he looked at me with nothing but love in those clear blue eyes and said, "I know you didn't do that, honey. I know."

I think that's when it hit me…just how much he loves me and trusts me. I said, "I'm so sorry, Matt. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for things to get so out of hand. Will was exciting and different, but you're the only man I love, the only man who'll ever live inside my heart."

He touched me then, wrapped those long arms around me and held me close against his chest and said, "Just so you know, Kitty, I'd never forbid you to do anything, but if it had come right down to it, I sure would have tried to talk you out of it." He kissed me then, and I knew for sure that comfortable and reliable, responsible and familiar are good. I don't need…or want…new and exciting and different.

XXXXXX


End file.
